Bagel Boy is the first children’s book that I published. It was among the first stories that was professionally edited (by two editors: Carol Thompson and Sara Dean–both from Elance.com). Here is an example (referred to in Chapter 2: Editing: Your Voice, But Better).
Pre-edited version:
Dana went rolling down the stairs screaming, “Mom, Dad, I’ve turned into a bagel!” Mom and Dad looked up at Dana and together they said, “We told you so.”
“Time to go to school,” said Mom.
“But I’m a bagel!” screamed Dana.
“Yes, and quite a big bagel,” said Dad. “But even a Bagel Boy has to go to school.”
Sara’s Edit:
Dana went rolling down the stairs shouting, “Mom, Dad, I’ve turned into a bagel!”
His parents looked up and said, “We told you so.” Neither one looked surprised.
“Time to go to school,” said Mom.
“But I’m a bagel!” shouted Dana.
“Yes, and quite a big bagel,” said Dad. “But you’re still a boy on the inside and you have to go to school.”
My changes based on Sara’s edits:
Dana went rolling down the stairs shouting, “Mom, Dad, I’ve turned into a bagel!”
His parents looked up and said, “We told you so.” Neither one looked surprised.*
“Time to go to school,” said Mom.
“But I’m a bagel!” shouted Dana.
“Yes, and quite a big bagel,” said Dad. “But you’re still a boy on the inside and you have to go to school.”
Sara’s more realistic exchange with Mom and Dad about going to school. This enabled me to add more off-beat humor to the
scene:
“It’s not fair!” shouted Dana and ran out the door.
“You didn’t finish your breakfast,” Mom called after him. A toasted bagel with egg and cheese still sat on the table.
Which then required an additional illustration. Turns out this is one of the best illustrations in the book. (Thank you Jennifer Chappell.)
*My friend Shiela and I had an argument over “neither looked surprised.” She feels strongly that you don’t add descriptions that are made obvious by the illustration. I strongly disagreed. Except when Jennifer provided the illustration, the parents did indeed look surprised. The line was deleted in the final version.
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